I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
