Your face is a jimmy john
Your dad touched me again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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