When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
