No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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