i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
