I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
