im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
