o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
