i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
