I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
