Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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