Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
