Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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