Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
