I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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