Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
