We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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