The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
