That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
apparently the secret to your success is patron
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
