Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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