I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize