yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
