Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
