My Higher Power is John Stamos
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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