If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
