just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
