So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
