just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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