my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
