From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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