Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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