I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
