Your mouth is God's brothel.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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