i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
