Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
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