My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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