walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
