i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
