rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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