please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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