It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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