I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
