I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
