sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
