I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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