proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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