apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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