My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
