you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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