I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sobbing to NWA
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
