I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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