Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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