I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
