chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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