Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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