I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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